Oh the irony

I just wrote a blog post, and promptly (and accidentally) deleted the entire thing.  Oh Aubrey, you silly thing. Why do these things happen?

I will not rewrite the blog post.  I'm going to presume that the blog was not meant to be.  How arrogant of me!  But perhaps I will write a better post some other time.

I think this blog might be a blog-tease.  I like it.  *waggles eyebrows*  Hey baby, whatcha doing later?

What is it, Precious?

Sometimes I think in a Smeagol voice, especially when tired.  But this story must be told today because it is so quirky.

It starts a year ago.  My wonderful, amazing, and sometimes bored at work friend Brandie* found an awesome deal on winter coats.  She also found a coupon code.  For a mere $25 I got a winter coat for Sebastian and an awesomely ugly ring for myself.  (*Name changed to protect the spectacular friend that is always working hard and never chatting on the internet)

The ring was delivered on schedule.  The coat, however, was not.  It was missing.  The package was entirely too small for the coat.  We were leaving for Kansas City in a few days, in November, and my darling little boy would get a chill.  We needed a coat.

The next part has faded a bit into history.  There may have been some yelling at JCP about the coat, some driving wildly to pick up a coat, some haggling to get the right price as promised, and the back-ordered missing coat order cancelled.  But, rest assured, Sebastian was not cold from November 2011 to present.  He had his Precious.

For the record, he calls it a coat like a normal person.  And I call it a coat until 11 pm, at which time it turns into a magical coat that makes you disappear.  You have to eventually take a long walk and drop it into a pit of fire, but we're not there yet.

Fast forward to yesterday.  Nothing happened coat-wise yesterday but I'm trying to make my blog longer.

Fast forward again to today.  I get a call from a nice lady at the shipping company saying that they have a package for me from JCP.  I am thrilled, although I have no idea what the contents might be.  I think perhaps David bought me a present.  Called him and found out that no, he did not.  I think it is a secret admireror.   Perhaps a rich relative died.  Could it be a pay it forward red ballgown?  I'm sort of in the market for one of those.

I go to the store.  I frantically and joyfully rip open the package.  And there, nestled away is Precious II.  It had been back-ordered for over a year.  It is delightful as far as Precious' go, I suppose.  Clean and new and orange.  But we already have a Precious and having two in the house is just asking for trouble.

Anyhow, it all ended well.  We gave Precious II to the school to give to a cold kid.  Sebastian's teacher already had someone in her class that needs it, so that's even better.  It was just odd, you know?  A little unexpected visitor.  Nothing huge, really.  Not a baby or a new car or a gigantic statue of Elvis.  Just a Precious, meant for someone else.  

Sparkle

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I lost my sparkle.  

Wait, let me start again.

A few months ago, my sparkle vanished.  It was taken by a wicked troll because I wouldn't give her chocolate.  

No, that's not quite accurate either.  

I lost my sparkle.  It just sort of went away for a while.  Things got messy, my brain felt full of cotton with a few pins left in.  And now, thanks to an assortment of awesome friends and family, and a tiny bit of work on my part, that sparkle is coming back.

I guess I should give you some back story.  As far as you know, "my sparkle" is code for my fuzzy pet bunny who went to live on a farm.  No bunnies in this story I'm afraid.  Not real ones anyhow.  

My partner, son, and I moved to Texas four years ago.  We moved for two reasons: First, I am impulsive and thought it was a great idea, why the hell not.  Second, partner got a good job here.  A job which would allow me to stay at home with our son.*

It was scary to move to Texas.  The farthest I had lived away from home was a three hour drive.  A drive that I knew well because I came home entirely too often.  Partner had never lived more than 15 minutes from almost everyone he knew.  We would be on our own, with a spastic three-year-old, in what is arguably one of the most conservative places in the country.  What the hell were we thinking?

So I started to fold up my sparkle.  It is huge, you see, my sparkle.  Imagine a map, one of those big road trip maps.  The ones that never fold back just right, and you can't quite see and navigate safely while driving.  That is my sparkle. It is rainbowy and glittery and glossy.  It is loud and obnoxious.  It makes you get show tunes stuck in your head.  And for reasons I don't quite understand, people are either drawn to it or are repelled by it.  I was alone all day with my son.  I was lonely and scared.  And I didn't want people to be thrown off by my sparkle.  So little by little, I folded it up.  

At last it was pocket-sized and I was miserable.  My sparkle is my driving force.  I was like a stalled boat in the water with no paddle.  Not still, I could drift a bit.  Sometimes I could reach down and try to paddle with my hands.  I didn't capsize.  But I also didn't feel that I could do anything: no fun, no purpose, not even get to shore.  I was stuck in deep waters, scared of drowning if I took a risk.

Many loving people rescued me.  They figuratively and literally repaired me enough to get to shore.  It hurt sometimes.  It was mortifying, it was scary.  And it was all done with love.  

Now that I'm on solid ground I am starting to unfold my sparkle.  Some days I can show it off, let it glint in the sun.  Some days I hold it tight.  It is my security blanket, you see, and sometimes I need to keep it close to make sure it doesn't go anywhere.  But it is there, and it is getting some fresh air.  Purely this act of writing in this blog is evidence of that.  Thank you for seeing my sparkle for these few minutes.

And then an imaginary bunny came hopping by and gave me a cupcake and a kiss.  

*Being a stay at home mom, especially to our son, deserves its own blog entry.  Hell, it deserves its own blog.  And shots of tequila, all around. Man I love that kid, but whew, he is the complete opposite of a boring kid.  

Saturday, Sunday, Monday!!

I'm just plain horrible at this.  OR I'm a busy person who loses track of days.  We'll go with the second option.

Saturday -
Friends who are well on their way to being "friends."
Salt and pepper shakers ;-)
Tie dye
Deep Ellum
Sebastian's peace sign/gang sign

Sunday - 

My car is as clean as it has ever been.  

Making plans

Finding out things that make life easier AND cheaper

Having some self-control

Crazy, wild, adorable teenagers.

Monday - 

PUMPKINS!!!

My physical therapist - who is nice

Church folk who are SO supportive of the youth group

Realizations, even if they mean work

PUMPKINS!!!

Thursday/Friday

I was sick yesterday, and asleep by 8.  (I kid you not, I was asleep by 8!!)  Anyhow, here's a few moments of gratitude.

• Um, being asleep by 8
• Waking up to "watch the debates" but only remembering that Paul Ryan has tiny lips.
• Doctors who care
• The chipotle sauce at Sonic for their burritos.  Awesome.
• Anti-dizzy shot of amazing.

My brother the graduate.  

And now Friday:

• Patient, kind, loving friend who comfort you for the thousandth time.
• The smaller boot!
• Health (in theory)
• Ice cream cones
• Conversations with Sebastian and Karma about God.  Especially Karma's "Yeah God!" throughout the talk

What do ya know Wednesday

I don't know that I have yet to write on the actual day of the list.  I'm sort of proud.

• Hilarious friends.
• Analyzing zombie movies
• Sebastian's future wife (along with is few other wives, and his one husband)
• Feeling productive
• Seeing how good Karma is at visual memory and detail. 

Finches at our finest - 2011

Tuesday

I forgot to add random pictures yesterday to my HUGE gratitude list.  So, you get some now.  

My brother Christopher, taken back in Pizza Hut Land

One of my brothers, wearing the traditional my-dad-wore-this boy clothes

(It is Christian, btw)

Sebastian wearing the same awesome outfit.

My maternal grandpa rocking his nightgown and booties.

Uncle Christian and Karma 

My attempt at cute and/or sassy hair

And now, on to the list:

• Things that make you feel pretty.  
• Taking time to listen to music
• This is probably bad of me, but listening to Sebastian's nightmares as he wakes up to tell me.  (The worst part, the monster ate the dog poop!)
• Holding it together, not crying, even though I'm furious and frustrated.  (Not a home thing at all)
• Giggles

And now a random picture for today:

Catch up (ketchup?) time!

So, I have slept between now and last Tuesday, so I'm going to have to sort of wing it.  If I remember it happening that day, it must be something for which to be grateful.  Here we go...

Wednesday:

• Compassionate school-folk
• Bravery
• Political debates, and good company while watching them
• Spaghetti (yum!)
• Acceptance by new people

Thursday:

• The fact that I don't have to cut Sebastian's hair
• Flower garlands
• Caring adults, especially ones that ignore your "I'm too stressed out" tears
• Sleep
• My cat

Friday:

• When the timing works out just right
• A night off
• Clean house
• Friendship, true loving friendship
• Forgiveness

Saturday: 

• The culture of viola school
• Group lessons that include pushups!  (Only with my son....)
• The little posse of violists
• Taking my mother in law to Ikea - she was in heaven!
• New silverware

Sunday: 

• Playing cards
• Letting the kids play
• Hot tubs
• Church support for The Great Pumpkin Patch
• The church I am in, the denomination and this particular church

Monday:

• Others who realize how silly Columbus Day really is.
• Babes Chicken
• Cousins playing
• Good dentist check ups
• The health and safety of a certain Noah-boy

Twisty Tuesday

Yesterday I had planned on getting a lot of housework done, making a schedule, then taking Sebastian to viola.  None of that happened.  Still, I've got to be grateful for what was yesterday.

• Doctors who act silly
• Sebastian took Karma to go potty.  How sweet is that?
• Viola accessories
• Wonderful friends and their questions
• (Ok working on this one)  Being grateful for being scared.  Means there is importance to it.  

And....random picture of the day:

10-1-12

How about I blog from this side today?

1.  Being close enough to your kid's teacher to be able to send an email that  only contains the words "Sorry about the puke."

2.  Brilliant ideas

3.  The lady in the grocery store who was talking on the phone and  said "crack is whack" as part of a serious conversation.

4.  My kid can pee in a cup.

5.  Supper last night was very yummy.  And all orange, by accident.  Curry and butternut squash.

Time to party!

Yesterday we had a birthday lunch for Karma.  Well, let me back up, first we had church, THEN we had a birthday party for Karma.  Nothing big at all, pizza buffet, grocery store cake (long story there), time with friends and family.  It was good.

The List:
1.  Eggs (see above about the cake)
2.  Sad goodbyes, but only because we're able to get so close to others that we have sad goodbyes
3.  Silly little quotes that make you giggle.
4.  Friend/family
5.  Baked potato pizza.

Karma Rose

Oh yeah, bogo!

Forgot to do this yesterday, so it is a two-fer.  Woot!

Friday:
1.  Sticking to my guns while parenting.  It is so gosh darn hard sometimes but I'm proud that I did it.
2.  God, specifically how God puts us where we're supposed to be.
3.  Being on time (um, rare)
4.  Polka dotted dresses
5.  Potential new friends - or at least people I know at the school.

And the random photo is....

Christmas last year - photo taken by The Amazing Chera

And for Saturday:

1.  You know when you write a weirdly rambling vulnerable email and you don't know how the other person will take it and you sort of just decide "oh well, already sent?"  Yeah, I like the last part of that a whole lot.

2.  Bright yellow/green safety shirts.

3.  My limes and their mystery purpose.

4.  Discussions of great importance surrounded by silly gossip.

5.  Trust

Nephew and I, pretending to sleep <3 p="p">

Almost forgot

Yep, almost forgot to write this tonight.

• Karma wanting to take her (huge) dollhouse to bed with her.
• The very, very last scene in The Avengers - it makes me giggle
• Love, the kind that is understanding, compassionate, changing, and real.
• Sebastian's caring for his sister, especially if she has napped.
• Surprise gifts 

And, the random picture of the day - 

Gratitude list, morning after

My apologies lovely reader(s), I was out late last night having a wonderful time.  So here is The Gratitude List, twelve hours late.

• Familiarity and that feeling of love that comes with it.
• Sebastian getting his homework finished before we even got home, even though "it wasn't fair."
• Emails that make you smile.
• Ok, I have been trying to get some paperwork finished for (literally) years.  Um, like 10 years - it is for a change of name and address for a bank account.  I have finished said paperwork!  Now to mail it...
• Karma licking the peanut butter off of the celery.  

And, as a bonus, a random picture from the archives

Our best attempt at bluebell pictures, 2010

September 25

Today was my Grandma's birthday.  She passed away in July and I miss her.  So, today I dedicate this list to her.

1.  "Don't worry sis, it will all turn out alright."
2.  Gossip, with a side of partial truth.
3.  Just say it is Boost, she'll drink it!
4.  "There are too many butts in this kitchen"
5.  Sitting down, saying ok let's do this, and making yet another list of who brought what  for Thanksgiving.  It was the same list for every holiday, but somehow we had to sit down and write it all out.  I was in charge of pumpernickel bread with ranch dressing, sometimes Watergate salad, and *maybe* stuffing.  Come to think of it, none of those require lots of cooking.  Hey, wait a minute......

September 24, gratitude report

I can't believe that I did this for a whole year once.  Gotta get in the groove again.  (These are always placed in random order as I think of them)

1.  Second chances.  Or more accurately, 294,938,409th chances.
2.  The wooden dolls Karma got for her birthday.  Two moms, two dads, a set of grandparents, and three kids.  :-)
3.  Sebastian's pride in helping me this afternoon, and his willingness to put giving me a hug at the top of his list.
4.  Penpals and all that entails.
5.  Reasons to celebrate and have jalepeno ranch dip at Chuey's.  And, to be honest, future margaritas.

A little bit if fairy magic

I'm slightly convinced that my daughter is a fairy.  

There is something about her.  She's courageous and bouncy, with a slight twinkle in her eye.  She loves people, not to be friendly, but she seems to want to get to know them.  She loves playing jokes on people, teasing in her preschool sort of way.  She's certainly not perfect but she is passionate, even when she's 'having a moment.'  

She have been put on this earth to cause just enough mischief to make life entertaining.  

Karma Rose turned 3 yesterday.  Among her other presents she got wings and a few tutus.  I'm telling you, a fairy is in our midst.  

Karma with her equally magical (and mischievous) brother Sebastian

grief

grief

a villain that grabs your time

breaking down your door, built of love

memories that protect you are swept away

the feeling

ZAP

it sneaks or it ambushes

thrashing around

slow boiling

i can not see it until it is too late

solace, solidarity

you repair the cracks

that never disappear

the seams are there, always

sometimes hardly noticeable

sometimes shouting their neon cries

better place, happy, quiet

no pain, rest, love, heaven

those stories 

true for some

true for me

can not stop the villain

offers comfort, these stones

as i clean up the debris 

villain, that bastard of grief and time

haunting my cupboards

hiding in the most innocent of places

lingering in my brain

waiting for an invitation to strike

with a smirk and a resonating 

BOOM

Circles in my path

I have been noticing a lot of weird connections between people in my life.  Circles, one person led me to another, and so on, until the circle is complete.  I am a changed better person because of that circle.  Other connections too: I read two sermons by one person, then listened to another sermon and they reminded me of each other so much.  Two writers, two different journeys, education, denomination, spirituality, etc.  Yet today those two people talked to me about the same topic.  All in all, I find it quite interesting.

I feel like I am on a path and I do not know where it leads.  It isn't a scary path.  Parts may excite me and still others may scare me.  I may fall down while on the path, making for pain and for slow-going as I recover.  I may get lost from the path.  I will surely meet others along the path, and sometimes I will walk alone.  The beginning of the walk was terrifying.  I wasn't sure what I would find and, at the time, I was sure it was terrifying.  I think the end of the walk will be grand, time to relax, let my body and mind get used to the stillness.

But, you know me.  I am restless.  Another walk awaits me.  And those surprise people, circles, messages - they will all accompany me through this path and the next.  Faith in that makes me walk with light footsteps and a song frolicking through my head.  

i am a poet

Except

We are the victor and the enemy

The pained

the inflicter

Clear in our self, somewhere

The Universe ticks on

steady, or so they say

Yet the quiet holds the key

Muddle, trouble, sin, safety

mixed up words and delicate canons

The harpsichord twinkling softly in the background

comfort? ominous?

Strength, wisdom, truth

but hurry hurry, frazzled self on the line

Comfort, find comfort

Know the rhythms of 3

Remember your manners. 

Whatever you do, do not think.