I'm here

I have nothing to say.  I know, it is really weird.  I keep trying to think of this.  I have a lot of thoughts in there but nothing solid.  So, you're just going to have to wait to hear about my thoughts on the following:

Why my cat hates us
The problems with naming your kid Karma
Everything you need to know about monitor lizards
Friends and their new relationships - specifically how darn cute they are.
Daily repetitions
Coffee
Why my church is better than your church.  (Ok, totally kidding, but I may write about my church)
Future plans, and what I thought life would look like
You can never have too many couch cushions
I may be a zombie

David already is a zombie

Huh, don't know what to make of this...

There is a topic that is very important, but I have desire to write about it.  It is too touchy for too many people.  It just feels weird not to write about something important to me.

This is what thinking before speaking feels like.  ;-)

Just for giggles, here is me being eaten by a hippo.  I survived, but just barely.

The Players in this Game

As part of my celebration, I am going to post a few pictures.  Because I like pictures.  

The children, crazy messy wild children

 The partner, who may poison me when he sees this picture

 Hi, this is me.

 These are my brothers.  Yes, one is trying to kill me.

Obviously there are many more people in my life, people very important to me.  I need to get my camera, sneak up on them, snag some pictures and post them here.  Until then you'll just have to take my word for it.

Screw you Shame

Ok, I'm just going to say it.  I have mental illnesses.  Seriously, two of them.  One is plenty - trust me.  But I have two.  And it sucks.

I have been diagnoses with Bipolar Disorder.  For my old school friends it is "Manic Depressive" Disorder.  Really, the old school version is much more descriptive.  I can be up high, on top of the world, then down so low.  Through medicine it is mostly under control.  I still go low, but I don't go super low.  I just get numb.  I am so thankful for medicine.

Wait, I said two diagnoses. 

I am also diagnosed with a Panic Disorder.  This is like anxiety on crack.  A Generalized Anxiety Disorder will cause you to be anxious all the time, without a specific reason.  A Panic Disorder adds fuel to that fire.  I will be fine - then I will be anxious - then I will have a panic attack.  Anywhere.  Anytime.  There is no predicting it because there is nothing that starts it.  I have had a panic attack because I couldn't reach the top shelf of the closet, because I found the card aisle in Wal-Mart, because the dog ate part of my lunch.  I also have medicine for this, with back up medicine...just in case.  It helps but the anxiety is still there.  It is always there.

So there you have it.  I am a "crazy person."  And I am telling the world about it?!  What the hell am I thinking?  

I am telling you, Dear Reader(s), for all the people I know also living with disabilities.  Maybe they have shame, maybe they are private - ahem, normal - sort of folk, maybe they are too deep in the disorder to be able to tell you.  They deserve to have a voice.  I humbly attempt to speak up on their behalf. 

Person with mental illness and her very normal little brother

Taking Care of Myself

I'm plagued with Perfect Mom Syndrome.  No, I'm not perfect...I just think I should be.  I'm not quite sure what perfect looks like, but I'm fairly sure Perfect Mom doesn't have unfolded clothes plopped all over her bed, Transformers piled on the floor, dishes on the table, and a kid plugged into the tv.  Certainly Perfect Mom isn't still in her pajamas.  Heck, Perfect Mom is up at 5 am, everyone is fed a perfectly balanced breakfast with all organic food, dressed in their ironed clothes (underwear is also ironed, of course), the house is clean, children are practically perfect, and the dog never makes messes.  Oh, and the cat is potty trained. 

This week has been hard for me.  Lots of things are changing and I tend to freak out with change.  I'm emotionally drained, prone to tears, feeling a bit frantic and overwhelmed.  I am failing miserably at being Perfect Mom.  I'm also doing a piss poor job at taking care of myself.  Instead of sitting for a minute praying or reading, or listening to music, or just being still, I am running around striving for the Perfect Mom Award.  Not only am I not even in the running for the Perfect Mom Award, I am also super tired.  

And so I announce a new holiday.  This holiday doesn't just come once a year - it happens as often as we need it.

It is Official Take Care of Myself Day.  I invite you to join me.  Do something that makes you happy just for the sake of being happy.  Put aside your Perfect Mom Syndrome for the day and celebrate being you.  You're amazing.  Sometimes a person needs to celebrate their awesomeness.  Now stop reading this and get to it.  You deserve it.

The Uncertain - and Very Exhausting - Road

My son has just been diagnosed with ADHD.  There may be more diagnoses coming, testing is in a few weeks, but at least we have some idea of what makes him tick.  We are giving him medicine, trying to figure out the right dosage, what to expect with the side effects.  We have been monitoring his diet and environment for a long time.  Routine is key, as is preparing him for transitions.  We don't leave the house often as it is difficult for all of us because of our son's behavior.  We talk to the school often, and these conversations are not positive. Our lives revolve around him.  None of these are complaints, just a glimpse into our lives right now.  Honestly it is a sad phase in our family life.  It will be better, but right now it is both sad and discouraging.

Entrenched in that is Mama Guilt.  I caused this.  Either through parenting or genetics, he has ADHD because of me.  There are new studies that suggest that if you are overweight when pregnant, your child is more likely to have ADHD.  More guilt.  Not seeking help earlier.  More guilt.  Not having a backyard for him to play.  More guilt.  Every time I get frustrated with him to the point of anger or tears.  More guilt.  It is relentless. 

Parenting my son is difficult.  He's prone to anger, then rage.  You don't want to go there.  He has hit, kicked, bitten, etc.  Part of you wants to protect him from that rage, another part wants to be safe - to not have someone hurting you.  Routine helps but he can still go into rages for no apparent reason.  I know logically that he's frustrated and that is causing the outburst, but in the moment it feels unpreventable, shocking, and sometimes scary. 

All of these feelings are stewing under the surface every day.  It is constant, and it is tiring.  Parenting is hard as hell.  I don't know that parenting my children is more or less difficult, but right now it is hard for us.  I don't mind asking for help, but I don't even know what help we need.  I get lost in my parenting thoughts - I should parent better, I should be more strict, I should be more understanding of his disability(ies?), I should give him more loving attention, I should not give him attention when he is raging, I should comfort him, I should protect him from other kids, I should encourage him to play with others, I should .... I should....

I fear being judged by others.  That fear has subsided - my son has had a hard time with transitions and frustrations for years.  He can scream so loud that half of Wal-Mart stops and looks, he can throw such a fit he rocks the car, his fits can often be heard outside of the house.  I still hate being judged, but I know we are judged often.  I try to hold my head high as I physically carry him home from the park - to know that I am doing what he needs.  I prevent outbursts when I can and deal with the rest.  What option do I have? 

I have so much more to write, but the tears are rolling down my cheeks and it is time to physically dress my 6 1/2 year old boy and send him off to school.  A school he hates.  It takes all the emotional strength I have to send him out the door every day.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing it is what he needs. 

There are kids that have many more challenges than my son does.  There are parents doing this alone (whom are superheros, I think), families without the means to help their children, children living in abusive homes, etc.   We are doing just fine by those standards.  And I do feel lucky to have such an amazing boy.  However, dear reader(s)  I'd like for you to remember this post when you see the kid screaming in the grocery store.  Cut that parent some slack.  Please try not to judge.  Chances are the parent is feeling enough judgement and shame already.

Stress Brain

I'm not sure you're familiar with this syndrome, but it is the feeling that you can not recall anything.  You babble instead of talk.  You stare sometimes.  I get a bit giggly and weird.  It is Mom Stress Brain.

I figure moms are already running on less sleep.  We don't catch up after having the babies, then we can't sleep the same because we listen to our kids.  Our mom radar is on all the time.  It is mentally exhausting and we can't turn it off.  I prefer to think of all of this happening in the 90% of our brain that we don't use, but I'm not sure.  I know that when I am stressed the regular functions of mom brain bleed into the rest of my functions.

I walk into a room and have no idea what I needed, or even walking into the room.  Having a conversation with my husband is pointless - I have no idea what he's talking about.  Can't follow a movie to save my life.  (I prefer Lifetime Original Movies because you can just predict them and be fine.)  You go through the motions and can even make it to the grocery store, but you will buy all sorts of things and forget the one thing you needed to get.  Nothing more miserable than unpacking all your things and realizing you forgot toilet paper - and you only have half a roll left. 

I won't get into all the stress here.  Let's just say that there are some things going on with a kid, but everyone is happy and healthy.  I will write about it but I will dedicate a post or two to all that is going on.  Let's just say that there is a lot of stress in the house and I apparently can't think through the stress fog to function well.  

A few Mom Stress Brain instances today:

• I boiled a pot of water dry before remembering I was going to boil eggs.
• I'm not sure I ever called my kids or the dog by their correct name.
• It took me four tries to move my car so that the driver's side was near the vacuum at the carwash.
• I called my dad and was surprised when he answered - I forgot who I was calling.
• I correctly read about 1/3 of the bedtime book with my son.  Most of the rest was weird combinations of words and gibberish.  
• It took me 10 minutes to decide on the type of ice cream I wanted.  I got the cheapest - basically I let Dave Ramsey decide.
• I washed an empty washer and forgot to start the dryer. 

I have no idea if this blog makes sense.  I actually read it before posting, which is unusual, and it seems to make sense.  But this is coming from the lady who circled the parking lot of CVS three times before parking because I couldn't decide on a parking spot.  The parking lot was practically empty.  Who does that?

The Church Playground - Update

Last week the kids and I went to a nearby church and played at their public playground.  While we were playing a worker told me that the children from the church were not allowed to play with us as we are part of "you people."  I'm not sure what constitutes "you people" but I'm beginning to become proud of my membership.  Better than "those people." ;-)

I called a few times and finally got a call back from a minister at the church.  Actually, I'm not sure he's a minister but got a call from *someone* at the church.  He said he wasn't in charge of "those people" who run the children's programming but recognized that someone could find that language offensive.  (Not that the language IS offensive.)  He said that the church required that the adults interacting with the children were required to have a background check.  Um, ok.  I wasn't trying to interact with the children.  My child was trying to play with other children.  Is she required to have a background check as well?  What about those children - I don't know anything about them.  I know, I'm awfully trusting - letting my supervised child play with other children without proper investigation.  Sigh...

I digress...and giggle at the thought of a background check for a two year old.

The minister (?) said that they will review what people should say.  He also said that the people are interns and so they don't really know what to say.  *eyeroll* I told him that this language was bigoted and that it could drive someone away from God. 

He told me that we're welcome to play on the playground as long as church members aren't there.  I asked him if that was posted, it is not.  I don't know if we will return to that park - part of me wants to just out of spite - but we will play whenever we please.  Jesus doesn't have a playdate schedule.