The Uncertain - and Very Exhausting - Road

My son has just been diagnosed with ADHD.  There may be more diagnoses coming, testing is in a few weeks, but at least we have some idea of what makes him tick.  We are giving him medicine, trying to figure out the right dosage, what to expect with the side effects.  We have been monitoring his diet and environment for a long time.  Routine is key, as is preparing him for transitions.  We don't leave the house often as it is difficult for all of us because of our son's behavior.  We talk to the school often, and these conversations are not positive. Our lives revolve around him.  None of these are complaints, just a glimpse into our lives right now.  Honestly it is a sad phase in our family life.  It will be better, but right now it is both sad and discouraging.

Entrenched in that is Mama Guilt.  I caused this.  Either through parenting or genetics, he has ADHD because of me.  There are new studies that suggest that if you are overweight when pregnant, your child is more likely to have ADHD.  More guilt.  Not seeking help earlier.  More guilt.  Not having a backyard for him to play.  More guilt.  Every time I get frustrated with him to the point of anger or tears.  More guilt.  It is relentless. 

Parenting my son is difficult.  He's prone to anger, then rage.  You don't want to go there.  He has hit, kicked, bitten, etc.  Part of you wants to protect him from that rage, another part wants to be safe - to not have someone hurting you.  Routine helps but he can still go into rages for no apparent reason.  I know logically that he's frustrated and that is causing the outburst, but in the moment it feels unpreventable, shocking, and sometimes scary. 

All of these feelings are stewing under the surface every day.  It is constant, and it is tiring.  Parenting is hard as hell.  I don't know that parenting my children is more or less difficult, but right now it is hard for us.  I don't mind asking for help, but I don't even know what help we need.  I get lost in my parenting thoughts - I should parent better, I should be more strict, I should be more understanding of his disability(ies?), I should give him more loving attention, I should not give him attention when he is raging, I should comfort him, I should protect him from other kids, I should encourage him to play with others, I should .... I should....

I fear being judged by others.  That fear has subsided - my son has had a hard time with transitions and frustrations for years.  He can scream so loud that half of Wal-Mart stops and looks, he can throw such a fit he rocks the car, his fits can often be heard outside of the house.  I still hate being judged, but I know we are judged often.  I try to hold my head high as I physically carry him home from the park - to know that I am doing what he needs.  I prevent outbursts when I can and deal with the rest.  What option do I have? 

I have so much more to write, but the tears are rolling down my cheeks and it is time to physically dress my 6 1/2 year old boy and send him off to school.  A school he hates.  It takes all the emotional strength I have to send him out the door every day.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing it is what he needs. 

There are kids that have many more challenges than my son does.  There are parents doing this alone (whom are superheros, I think), families without the means to help their children, children living in abusive homes, etc.   We are doing just fine by those standards.  And I do feel lucky to have such an amazing boy.  However, dear reader(s)  I'd like for you to remember this post when you see the kid screaming in the grocery store.  Cut that parent some slack.  Please try not to judge.  Chances are the parent is feeling enough judgement and shame already.