'Tis the Season

I wish I was writing a super happy, woohoo it is Christmas sort of blog...but not today.  I'm sure it will happen, I will get there.  But right now I'm in the middle of self-induced Mama Guilt. 

You see, we don't buy a lot of presents.  Some of it is economical, some of it is practical (space limitations), but most of it is because we think our kids don't NEED a lot of toys.  David and I agree on this, the kids don't know anything different, and I think we purchase more intentional presents when we can only pick one.

Cue Guilt.

"I should buy them more." "They will feel deprived." "I don't care about their childhood memories."  And the worst (for me) "They will think that we didn't care about them."  Sigh, it is horrible.

These moments happen often for me.  Not taking them to see the 'best' Santa, not purchasing new clothes for them, not taking enough pictures, not purchasing matching pjs for them, etc.  The number of ways I can doubt myself is almost embarrassing. 

'Tis the season to question everything I am as a mom.  Good thing it will end December 25th when I see the joy on their faces and realize none of the rest matters.

Three blogs in one?

I have three (or maybe four) blog posts to write about.  Wait, make that five.  Yes, five.  But I think I am going to separate them.  Otherwise, I will be exceptionally ramble-y.  Or boring, or annoying, or make no sense.  All of which are probable on each individual blog post, but I like to think that I sometimes make sense.  Ah well, we shall see.

I will start with the most heavy post, to scare away folks.  See, I'm uppity and only want nice people that can read my blog and not leave to read my blog.  I'm also really self-centered and want nice people around me generally.  It is just a thing.

Recently I have had several deep conversations with someone whom I love dearly.  To be frank, some of these conversations have been intense.  Let it be known that I don't think intensity is a bad thing at all; sometimes the only way that we realize something is up is through intense conversation(s).  I'm cool with intensity.  I'm also really happy with this one particular outcome: I am having new ways to analyze my own personality. 

I think we get complacent and don't stop to think about what is going on in our heads.  Or we get cocky, I'm not sure which.  Lazy perhaps.   In any case, I was definitely there, a combination of all three, facing a lifetime of not thinking.  These conversations really sparked something in me, and the self-examination has begun.

It is a work in progress.  Right now I'm really considering the idea of personality and how different personalities interact.  See, I'm a social person.  Some may call me chatty, extroverted, impulsive, speaks before thinking, passionate, annoying, random, and/or distractable.  And all of those are correct.  And I've been struggling through that.  Some of those attributes aren't terribly attractive.  If you come up to me and say "Hey, ya wanna _______?" I will say yes before I know what _______ is.  And that really can be hard for some people, my husband especially. 

But I've come to the realization that I don't want to change my personality.  I think it is pretty hardwired at this point, and while I can work on making some of it less obnoxious to others, I'm not willing to change it.  Secondly, I like it.  I like being outgoing, impulsive, chatty, random.  I don't like the attention I receive for those traits (often negative) but I like that I'm a bit 'different.'  It is very much part of my identity.  Finally, the way to change my personality is to mute the whole darn thing.  That isn't going to work either.  I like the passionate joy I feel, it comes with passionate sadness too, but I'm really ok with that.  It is part of the package and I'd rather have all of it than just the happy.  

The mixing of personalities is difficult.  My dear friend and former roommate has been patiently watching me babble for half our lives.  My husband realizes that I will both change conversation topics and start conversations in the middle most of the time.  My best friend now knows that I will pop in with questions about peas in the middle of something else, and if I'm asked to go out, I'm there.  But that's the awesome part, we all learn what makes each person tick and love them for it.  It is pretty amazing.  I love variety, and surrounding yourself with people different from you is a really, really good thing.

Hey, ya wanna go out?

Boundaries

You know, sometimes being a stay at home mom really sucks.  I'm not talking about the social isolation, or the poopy diapers, or the lack of a paycheck.  Those things are bothersome but being at home with my kids is rewarding in other ways and it all works out.  The part that really puts my panties in a bunch is something else - the lack of respect by people that earn a paycheck.

This shows up in a lot of ways, and I'm not going to list all of them here.   One, it would be a more depressing blog than it already is.  Two, I don't have time to type it all out, I have laundry to fold.  But here's the scoop - I am not able to meet/do something for you/jump at your command.  Not for family, not the school, not the church, not doctor's offices, etc.  I have a job.  And while that job doesn't have a paystub, it is still a job.  A job that I take seriously.  You wouldn't expect me to drop everything and come running if I earned a wage.  What's the difference?

You should probably know something about me:  I am really good at setting boundaries.  I've had a lot of practice.  Furthermore I'm stubborn as hell.  If you demand from me, I will sit quietly and look at you like you've grown a third eye.  No arguments, no fuss.  I will tell you that won't work for me, and give you no excuses.  No is a one word sentence.  I know this for a fact - I have a two year old. 

Just be respectful of your fellow humans.  Trust that they are doing good for humanity, as much as you are and maybe a bit more.  Realize that their needs, time, and self-respect are important.

And use your manners, Mama said. 

Bridesmaids

I haven't written about the (gazillion) movies we watch around here.  Ok, so sometimes we only watch 15 minutes of the movie, but I only write about movies I've seen all the way through.

So, here it goes: Bridesmaids.

I was expecting some sort of sassy, slightly annoying movie about how wonderful women are together.  Which, let's face it, is often fictional.  But I loved that there was a woman stealing the thunder and running the whole thing.  I identified with the jealousy.  And I found this movie both entertaining and something I could see myself in.  Well done, (probably) male white writers, well done.

Would I purchase this movie?  Nope.  Would I keep it if given to me?  Probably.  Would I seek it out to watch it with my best girlfriends?  Absolutely.  The fact that one character reminded me of a friend makes it that much more necessary to watch it with others.

You know, the best part about this movie is that I saw it with one of my favorite people.  She and I haven't been to a movie sans kids, and while I like Megamind, I really like a grown up movie.  Huzzah for Girl's Night Out!

3 solid stars

P.S.  Don't stick around for the scene after the credits.  Trust me.  I'm still in therapy for that one.

Everyday is exactly the same

except when it isn't.

I often wondered what stay at home moms did during the day. I can't still exactly tell you, but I can tell you it is a lot of hard work. The time I'm not "doing something" I'm trying to stay sane and talk to adults. You know the drill, right? It is all fine and dandy until momma needs to lock herself in the bathroom for a bit.

Still, we've got a routine:
6:30 - I'm up
6:30-7:00 - I'm attempting to wake up David
7:05 - I threaten to push him out of the bed, he gets up
7:06 - Sebastian wakes up and yells "IT IS MORNING BABY!" - to Karma
7:07 - 7:30 - We argue and force Sebastian to get ready for school
7:30 - 11:00 - Periodic feeding of the Karma, cleaning up her messes, and entertaining
11:00 - Feed the Karma officially
12:00 - Karma naps - I struggle to regain use of my brain.
2:00 - Wake up Karma, get off to get Sebastian from school
3:00 - 5:30 - Survive with both kids. I often say "Don't lay on your sister". Periodic feeding.
5:30 - Start supper, continued "Don't lay on your sister"
6:30-7:15 - Supper consumption
7:30 - 8:15 - Bedtime
8:15 - 11:00 - Housework, sanity exercises.

It is a good life. It is also a crazy life.

My expectations

My goal is to blog every day. Of course, the only person who I know reads it often is Austin, with whom I talk to frequently anyhow. But what if someone WANTS to read it? I must be diligent.

I took my oldest to the doctor today. Things went fine, he has allergies and can't hear, but that is nothing new. I thought we had made it without too much dramatics until The Dreaded Blood Draw. Now, does he get upset because it will hurt? Nope. Scared? Nope. It is the blood that helps him play video games. Without those few drops of blood he is nothing. Tragic.

Luckily he has had some food, some milk, and is training his new blood on fine, skilled video game playing. Saved until another day.

Vacation

I just got back from visiting with my family. I have decided on certain requirements for any future vacation.

1. Both David and I will be in attendance
2. We will plan social/fun activities each day, even if it is just a trip to a park.
3. Each child will be able to have something fun for them during the trip, with everyone else going along and having a good time.
4. I will not drive.
5. God willing, we will not have french fries for every meal.
   
6. We will clean out the car thoroughly before and after each trip.

I'm so very glad to be home.

Playdates

I've decided there are two kinds of playdates. There are the forced, you will play together or else playdates in which the parents have decided the children WILL get along and will like it. Those playdates are stressful, Sebastian typically acts up, Karma is tired, and I just want to leave. Amazingly, you can't make kids like each other. Huh. (Please apply all necessary sarcasm)

The other playdates happen when the parents are relaxed. The parents talk, and parent too, but let the kids figure out what they want to play and with whom. Nobody forces a child to play with another child. The kids are left to figure out social graces (with some guidance as needed) and everyone has a good time.

I wonder why people don't understand this. You can't make an adult like someone and *want* to be around them...how can you expect that from a kid?

Medicine messes with your head

Hello, dear reader(s)? I hope you're doing well.

I've been on hiatus while recovering from yet another set back in The Great Hip Adventure. But after three months of crutches and two months of my brother living here, I'm back in business. Or at least I'm able to exist without heavy-duty pain pills. It is good to be able to think and feel again. I'm quite enjoying it.

I've learned in this process that the pain pills were affecting more than my ability to think, they were affecting my personality. Someone has said that I was fairly pliable and that I often succumbed to the wants of others without giving it much thought. I believe that's how it was, and I didn't do anything intentionally, but it feels good to be able to think for myself.

I'd like to share more of that thinking by blogging more often. I have no idea if anyone reads this, and it is a mute point because I like writing it. It is my hope that someone reads it and, if they don't find enjoyment out of it, at least they know not to come back. ;-) For, you see, Aubrey is back!

Day in the life, summer special

We're smack dab in the middle of summer vacation. According to the Phenias and Ferb theme song, there are 104 days of summer vacation. We have 58 days left to go. So ok, not exactly in the middle. But close enough.

My children have hit the official Driving Everyone Insane part of summer. It is bad. My son was running around crazy-like, ran into the wall, and split open the bottom of his nose. Why? Because he's bored and feral. My daughter has been puking up her stuff for over a week now. Migraines are common. Short story - it is time for school start again. Unfortunately the school district thinks they should open late August.

We've watched a few movies over the past few weeks. My brother is here and we're preparing him for college life by showing him "the classics" as we see them. Oh, you know, ET, The Grudge, Clerks. Those movies that are important in life. I've also had some amazing company for movies at the movie theater. I've seen a cave documentary (which was really cool), The DCI televised event (also amazingly cool), Super 8. I'm anxiously awaiting the last Harry Potter movie, complete with marathon beforehand. You know, typical summer boredom meets cheap entertainment folly.

I haven't been watching America's Got Talent and I'm not really sure why. It just hasn't amused me, or something, this year. The one episode I watched I liked. I blame the depression. Maybe it is this overly interesting interwebz. I will catch up on them tonight I think. I could use some more mind-numbing entertainment to compliment the mind-numbing season of summer.

Another amazing gap in my blog

Hello readers.
Some day I'm going to be able to blog with some consistency. I'm also going to be able to knit sweaters, bake from scratch, keep a clean house, and never yell at my kids....something like that.

I've been really getting into my church lately. It is more liberal than most (good fit!) and I feel loved there. I think that church is about worship, Bible knowledge, faith, and family. A good church feels like coming home. If you don't feel that, you're at the wrong place.

I tend to talk about church a lot. I seriously never thought I'd be one of "those" people but I like talking about what I've learned. I pray a lot now, especially for guidance to do what He has planned for me. I fall asleep praying every night.

I've also started listening to Christian music sometimes. Not all the time, mind you, but sometimes. I like most of it. Some seems to be trying too hard, which annoys me, but that is rare.

Anyhow, quite an interesting twist my life has taken. I like it.

Date Night

I have been wanting to watch Date Night since it came out. I mean, really wanted to see this movie. There aren't a lot of movies I'd go see in a theater. Less that I'd go to the expensive, new movies theater to see. I would have *gasp* paid to see this movie.

I knew that I had giggled at the previews and advertisements. I wondered if I'd just giggle when those clips were shown during the movie. Nope, laughed all through the movie. Considering some of the content, it was tastefully done, and I would watch 90% of it with my children in the room. There were twists to the movie that kept me interested.

I can say that'd buy this movie and watch it again. Therefore, I give it 4 stars.

Choice

I've been thinking a lot about women's right to choose her life path lately. Yes, in regard to reproduction, but also in general. I've been thinking about Third Wave Feminism and how I want to participate in this movement right now. Yes, Aubrey's noggin is movin' and a'groovin'.

This morning I woke up with a friend who's status mentioned the birthday of a little girl. It didn't name this girl, and I know this girl doesn't live with the friend. My friend made the brave and selfless decision to give this girl up for adoption at birth. My friend was a senior in high school.

My friend is so brave. She could've kept this baby, and I know part of her wanted to. Her boyfriend was a dill-weed and she couldn't rely on him. Her mom wanted her to keep the baby, adding conflict to the household. She wanted to do what was best for the baby. So a few weeks after her 18th birthday she made the adult decision to do what was best for this tiny baby rather than what felt right for her. I think that is amazing.

I've also known people who've made the other decision to keep the baby rather than give it up for adoption (or any other, earlier alternatives). One person used illegal drugs in the hopes the baby would miscarry - and the baby didn't. Others did their absolute best, and I know they're raising amazing children. But, here's the thing, it was her choice to keep this baby and raise her. That decision can't be made by anyone else. And we, as a society, need to respect those decisions.

I think about a woman's right to an abortion. I think that they will happen no matter what, that there are ways to lose a baby without a doctor's help (although admittedly riskier), and there will always be shady doctors willing to do it anyhow for the price. But, here's the thing...it is HER decision. She lives with the scars of whatever she decides and we as a society need to trust in her ability to make decisions. (Sidenote: we're willing to trust her to RAISE A CHILD but not make any other decision. That seems backward to me)

I am pro-choice. I can't imagine a situation in my life in which I would chose to have an abortion, but I was raised by two parents in an affluent household. Yes, I was with my fair share of boys that didn't give a fig about me. Still, if I had gotten pregnant, I would have been fine. More than fine. Baby and I would have both been taken care of. Now, if other babies joined our family, we would be able to take care of them. I'm not being abused, neglected. I'm blessed to have a body that is able to handle the physical demands of pregnancy. My circumstance isn't your circumstance. That's the part of the debate that seals the deal for me. I wouldn't get an abortion. I'm not you.

People sometimes ask, "But what about your daughter? Would you want her to have an abortion?!" First, I feel the same about both my children. If my son got his girlfriend pregnant, I would support her decision. And I would offer to provide support to Sebastian, girlfriend, and baby. And I would offer to provide support to Karma, boyfriend, and baby. But, it isn't my decision. I trust my children to make the most educated decision they can at the time. Really, isn't that all we can ask of them in any situation?

Meet Me in St. Louis

I had watched a few hard-core movies lately, and needed something light and with music. Meet Me in St. Louis seemed like a good choice for two reasons. One, I had never seen it before. (*gasp!*) Two, I love flowy skirts.

Aside from the annoying and yet catchy song "Meet Me in St. Louis" I really enjoyed the movie. Predictable? Yes, certainly. Annoying children as comic relief? Of course! Father who believes he is in charge yet Mum is running the show? What family doesn't have that dynamic? I particularly enjoyed the scene in which Ester is beating up her "crush." You know the show will end on a happy note when there is cat-scratching abuse going on.

I wouldn't purchase the movie, but I'd watch it on a lazy weekend.

3 out of 5 stars. (One star automatically taken away because of that horrible song)

My affirmations, partial

Things have been rocky lately. I feel like I'm holding a house of cards that is quickly slipping out of my reach. I'm sad, feel isolated, and unloved.

This is my partial list of my affirmations. I will add on to it, surely as I think of more things I believe.

I deserve to be treated with respect.
I deserve to have friends that I can trust and that I for whom I can provide support.
I deserve to be talked to, I didn't do anything wrong.
I deserve to have a partner who listens to me.
I deserve to take time for myself.
I deserve to have someone care for me.
I deserve to be able to heal without guilt or stipulations.
I deserve to have faith without being told that I am wrong. I have a brain too and I can figure things out for myself.

To be continued...

Dear John

On the list of chick flicks, this one was near the top. I knew it would make me cry, wasn't sure why, and I was cautious as I watched it....poised for the tears. Those tears didn't come, at least not for me.

I thought the story was good and I appreciate the bit of diversity that was represented in the movie. The character development was close to none however, which is disappointing in general. As I'm sure you realize, one character is in active armed service. The way he was able to return to civilian life, even for a short while, was unrealistically amazing. I wanted more substance from each character throughout the movie.

3 1/2 stars.

Precious

I finally watched Precious, after wanting to for a long time. It is a classic chick flick, the kind my husband abhors, so I tend to watch those while he's at work. It saves me from having to hear him groan.

I thought the movie was alright, although it was predictable and had quite a few stereotypes. I hated to see when the characters were being abused, or when they recalled bits of abuse, but overall the movie didn't really move me. Not sure if I'm just not empathetic or have known people who have survived that abuse. Maybe I'm desensitized. In any case, it was a decent movie but not remarkable. It earned 3 stars.

Goodness, I haven't written in forever! How do things like this slip out of my mind? Oh yeah, maybe it is my two spirited children and wacky husband? Or the crazy kitten that is constantly chewing on my toes? Anyhow, I'm back and I hope to write more.

First off, I've been watching a lot of movies lately. (Or at least the first 15 minutes of movies until I get distracted) My hip has been a horrible pain so I've been concentrating on resting and letting it heal rather than useful things like housework. What better thing to do while 'healing' than watch movies. I'll give a few reviews in separate posts.

My son is doing amazingly well in school. He's in the Gifted and Talented program, reading a grade above his level, and the teachers are having a hard time keeping him challenged. He also has a hard time focusing on his work but his behavior seems to be getting better. I'm not sure if it is maturity or the fact that he can sit on his own sometimes, but I'm grateful for the good reports. He is also figuring out a lot about God and faith, pretty cool. It isn't exactly accurate, but fun to hear. (Example: God lives in house #1, God is 77 years old, etc)

My darling daughter is learning more and more. She is supposed to have a vocabulary of 12 words, she knows around 50. She uses sentences. She is walking and running, and has just learned how to walk backward. She loves girlie things and soccer. As a matter of fact, she may be as good at soccer as her brother.

There is more going on in my life, of course, but I think I'll end this with the positives. Life is depressing enough without hearing about my woes. Hope you are well. :-)